Forgiven
by skysedge
Summary: You left me behind. And you left me with nothing." Torn by grief, Cassian learns something about forgiveness. Cassian-centric, Cassian/Jizabel.


This has been in my notebook for a while and I couldn't ignore it any longer. It's sort of drabbleish…but was inspired by the song Forgiven by Within Temptation. Look it up, it suits Cassian down to a tee.

**-x-**

"Why didn't you say anything?"

Sitting cross–legged on the grass, Cassian stared at the headstone as if the carved angel would speak and answer him. He would have been overjoyed if it had – it would bring an end to the silence that had been tormenting him, a silence in his memory and in his present, a question he was unable to answer himself. Letting his head drop into his hands, Cassian spoke quietly.

"I was always trying to save you, you know. _Always_. But I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. I'm such a failure. If I hadn't stayed away for so long…"

He stopped speaking and risked a glance at the headstone. Nothing had changed. He smiled ruefully at himself; had he really expected anything to change? There was nothing here for him, nothing but stone and soil and bones. He knew that all to well, but various shameful meetings with mediums had revealed nothing to him and after so many attempt, Cassian was at the end of his tether. There was nothing else left for him to try.

"Forgive me for trying to contact you so many times," he continued in a low voice. "I'm pretty sure all those mediums were phoney but if they weren't, I'm sorry for disturbing you so many times. You deserve the rest after all. I just…there's so many things I never got to say. It won't take long to say them and then I promise I'll leave you alone." He paused thoughtfully. "Unless you're not here at all. In which case, I'm just talking to myself and really have gone insane."

He waited a moment, as though waiting for something to tell him he wasn't insane. When no answer came, he shrugged anyway and played with the grass absently while he talked.

"It's been a year. I'm sure you know that, but it's the first time I've allowed myself to say it. A whole year…. London is slowly recovering from the tragedies that Alexis brought about…the one we helped with. I wish I could recover along with the city, but there's nothing left for me now, nothing left to help me recover…and nothing left worth recovering for, I suppose. But none of this is important. What's important is…how are you?"

His voice trembled slightly and he felt foolish asking the question but he knew that if there was any way this would give him an answer, he had to take it. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to picture the familiar face before him and send the words wherever it was currently residing. He pictured it smiling, didn't want to imagine it suffering still.

"I want to know how you are because you never experienced freedom in life. I know how the thought terrified you…and now you're free of anything. Are you lonely? Are you frightened? Just let me know and I'll come and join you to…to…"

Trailing into silence, Cassia's voice had begun to tremble. His hands clenched into fists, ripping up blades of grass as they did so. He knew he was lying. He had lied to the mediums, lied to himself and he had now lies to the godsdamn headstone as well. Violent emotions welled up inside him, emotions that had been crying for release for the past year. They could no longer be denied, not here. Before he could stop himself, angry words that should never have been spoken were tumbling from Cassian's lips and into the silence.

"I've hated you. How could you…you gave up. You gave up on everything. I could have saved you. It was just a bullet wound and some broken bones. I'm sure, if I could have reached Zenopia in time, you could have been saved. It would have been painful and you would have had to fight for freedom…but you never even wanted to try, did you? You left me behind. And you left me with _nothing_."

Cassian raised his eyes and glared angrily at the headstone. The clouds gathering overhead were thick and almost black, casting the clearing in near darkness. Clenching his fists, Cassian's voice rose to a shout and tears welled up in his eyes after so many months of being denied.

"Why did you say nothing to me? After everything I tried to do for you! You sent your crucifix to Cain. You gave Riff your damn _blood_. You gave me _nothing_, you never even told me how you felt! I knew I should have returned sooner. It was a stupid, unforgivable mistake. All I've been able to think about for the past year is you, Jizabel!"

Cassian's fingernails dug into his palms hard enough to leave tiny crescent moons of blood and he began to shake all over, unable to stop himself. It was the first time he had spoken the name aloud since Jizabel's death and he felt somehow guilty, as though merely by speaking his name he was betraying Jizabel's memory. The feeling passed, swept aside by a wave of raw emotion. His voice cracked as he spoke.

"Whenever I close my eyes, I see you. And do you know why? Because you left me behind without finishing anything! Was I that unimportant? I've been so lost without you, Jizabel, you were my only reason for trying to live, for trying to be a decent human being! I wanted to prove you wrong, wanted to show you that not everyone would treat you like dirt. Did you think about _that_ when you decided to take your own life? Did you ever consider that I wanted to hold you for reasons other than that you were dying? Did you stop for one second to think that someone actually loved you? Why won't you tell me!"

He stood breathing heavily for several minutes, unable to remember getting to his feet. His voice had risen to a crescendo and now the silence came pouring back, his words ringing out over the clearing. Tears ran freely down his cheeks and blood ran from his palms. A sudden change in the quality of the light caused him to glance upwards. The clouds were drifting away, letting soft sunlight fall on the smiling angel carved into the headstone. Through Cassian's tear-blurred vision it seemed to be mocking him. Raising his face heavenwards, Cassian could feel the sunlight beating down on him but it meant nothing; he had left himself feeling cold in a place the sun could not penetrate.

He had been cruel. He lowered his eyes guiltily and took a deep, shuddering breath.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'd like to pretend that all of that was a lie but it wasn't. I can't help it. It's just been hurting _so much_. I've been unfair. I should have known we were always going to be left apart. I didn't have the strength to save you…and I know you had always been seeking death. Maybe it was the only way to get rid of the demons that were plaguing you inside. I doubt I would have been strong enough to tame them."

Cassian sank to his knees and tried to raise his voice a little. The result was that his voice sounded weak and broken.

"I forgive you, Jizabel. Even if the angels themselves won't forgive you, I forgive you everything. Nothing was your fault…I hope you can forgive me for failing you."

He raised his eyes again and stared at the angel. It was completely still, completely silent. Cassian shook his head sadly. It was clear that there was no one here able to hear him. Despite this, he felt as though some bridge that needed to be crossed had been overcome and he knew he would stop trying to contact Jizabel now. It was over and had been for a year. It was time to move on as much as he could. He rose to his feet and slowly left the grave, not trusting himself to look back.

Very soon the clearing was empty. After a while, small animals began to scurry out of the bushes and within a matter of minutes the grave was covered with small, furry bodies and twitching noses. All of the small eyes rested on the headstone. A faint breeze swept the clearing and the grass twitched. There were nuances within the breeze that made definite sounds and although the assembled animals could not understand, they sounds made words.

The words were, "I forgive you."

And although the eyes of the animals could not comprehend what they were seeing, the angel on the headstone slowly smiled.

~X~

Um…I know the ending was creepy. Originally this went on far too long and was crap so this ending is better I hope. Please drop me a line!


End file.
